I'VE SEEN IT ALL!!!

CASTOR OIL
Have you ever imagined dissolving candle wax then drinking it cold? That's what it feels like to drink Castor oil. But trust me now, I went and did some research and found that it is one of the most effective ways of pushing food out of your tummy real quick! So i found out where it is sold and proceeded to buy and try it out. It is a thick oily drink that is ghastly to drink. It is absolutely tasteless but a thick oily substance that is pretty difficult to swallow. But come on, this is me, the swallower of much worse substances! Does it work? No idea yet but will let you know by morning...

STRESS AND DIET
I don't know about other people but I have seen that it is impossible to take on physical or psychological stress on an empty stomach. I had a really emotionally and physically draining day and that "No-food-on-Friday" crap just was NOT going to work! By the end of the day, I had wolved down 3 sausage rolls, one quartered chicken, 3 oranges and 2 diet drinks! I still had a headache!! Yes... you guessed it, that's how come I decided to try out the castor oil! I had sinned greatly!

HOPE IT WORKS
I have done too well to lose it all in one day of stressfulness. Not sure how much I have lost but it is increasingly noticeable, I think. I look forward to seeing the boys on Sunday and having the 'Ooh' and 'Ah' at what Mommy is looking like now.

Thanks guys!

IT'S WORKING!!!

I'VE GOT FANTASTIC NEW FRIENDS
it is basically a group of girls in diff stages of weight loss encouraging one another and having great fun doing it! Over time, a bonding has occurred and now we all love one another. That's it in a nut shell. Almighty Mastercleanse, Torturers or atkins? All have managed to loose some kgs and still working at it and looking out for one another. It is very encouraging, loving, hilarious and great fun!

Not like you guys who have all gone really quiet!

STILL AT THE TORTURERS O!
I am still hanging wt my torturers and that usually means a different diet plan every 2 days. Fridays are Grapefruit Fast days so you don't get to chew anything! If u get too hungry, a glass of skimmed milk and honey is allowed! Wish me luck!!

I'll do Atkins at some point. Its the most interesting one to date. A typical diet for me in a day is half an unripe plantain, scaly fish and lots of vegetables (cooked without oil). I was scolded for eating the other half of the unripe plantain in the same day. It showed on the scales.

PILLS AND HERBS ASSISTANCE
I do pills I do not understand nor identify while on this program (They say they are giving me herbs... and I choose to believe them. Slimmer You (Carol, weight-watcher) also uses pills like thermogenics and other fat-busters... Basically, there are very people who are patient enough to wait it out. Some of us need metabolism boosters and fate breakers/flushers etc... You know, jet speed!

See y'all!

DREARY ROAD TO SUCCESS
I really don't care what anyone says, this whole weight-watching thing is really like hell. It is slow, long, painful, seeming-endless deprivation. I think that pretty describes hell fire- Think about it! You see but you can't touch. You touch but you can't eat. In my own case, you cook... but you can't eat. I mean remember that prayer (song) "some can eat but have no food, some have food but cannot eat..." I never imagined that i would someday be in the category of those that have food but cannot eat!!! I always thought it referred to people who are sick in hospital, have no appetite, can't keep food down... or some such condition... not a "Me"!!!

ALWAYS ON A DIET
It's really unfair, when you think of it, that for as long as I can remember (in my adult life) I have been too guilty to eat normally! I am and have been on one diet or the other for as long as I remember! That can't be good!

SPRINTER DREAMS
Oh, I need to share this! I dreamt last night that I became a marathon runner. I had such stamina that people were suggesting that I do the long races at the olympics! LWKMD!!! People who know me know that one thing I do NOT have is the stamina for running for a full minute even!!! It was a nice dream but I woke up thinking, "Sh**, I can't even sleep in peace without thinking of my weight!"

I need a life!

MAKING PROGRESS SLOOOOOOOOOOWLY...

EVEN MY TYPING IS SLOW
I am tired. I want food! I want to eat 3 square meals and a snack inbetween if I so wish! I want to wake up in the morning and have a nice full English breakfast; an omelette with everything- 3 eggs, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, green pepper and cheese!!! 2 fat, greasy sausages. 3 strips of bacon. Some baked beans. 2 (make that 3) slices of toast. I also want a nice, tall glass of any juice but grapefruit juice! (Have a bottle a day while on this nasty therapy). For lunch, I want pounded yam and self-cooked egusi soup... with all the animals reporting in their proud textures and shapes; cow tail, cow leg, shaki, round about, chicken, snail, dry fish... Yummy! Then for dinner, I would keep it simple... CHIPS!!! Chips and anything... or nothing... or just MORE CHIPS!!!

Okay... really nice dream! Wake up Lomsee! You want to get Fabulous and Flabless, right? So can that dream for now!

CONSTANT PURGE
That's the trick really. No matter the therapy, everyone seems to be placed on a constant purge so I think I have cracked it. PURGE! PURGE!! PURGE!!! I have discovered all the new tricks that ensure that the stomach is constantly empty and emptied. So here's my plan...

5.30 a.m - Start drinking 30cl of water
6.00 a.m - Drink a glass of Epsom salt
PURGE PURGE PURGE
7.00 a.m - nothing (LOL!)
10.00 a.m - a cucumber cocktail or a green apple
12.00 noon - Drink some tea...
PURGE PURGE PURGE!!!
2.00 p.m - veggies (either a salad or soup or some spinach thing)
4.00 p.m - tea
PURGE PURGE PURGE!!!
6.00 p.m - Last meal (some meat/fish and loads of veg)
7.00 p.m - Drink the master laxative
PURGE PURGE PURGE!!! ...TILL MORNING

SHOULD WORK, RIGHT?
But if for any reason this doesn't do it... that is, guarantee a steady 2 kg loss per week, then we will kick in Papa Z. Papa Z is Zenecal... the sure fat blocker! Have I told you about how it works? Hmmm... that's for another day!

PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE

COME AND SEE, AMERICA WONDER!!!

NA LIE!
I was at the torturers today, my people. The kind of weight they said I have lost is at best untrue! I come de look dem, dem come de look me! I said, "Listen guys, I am even wearing clothes and you say I have lost another 2 kilos? That will be 6 kilos since Monday last week! Is it possible???" They turned to me and said, "Madam this scale no de lie o! It's the type they prefer to use in hospitals sef!" This is that funny scale that has a "ruler-like thingy" in the front and they keep adjusting and adjusting until the thing starts rocking gently... Do you know it?

WHAT IF IT IS TRUE?
But if for some reason this is true... Then make una follow me thank God o! I am really determined to be good this time (like before) and make significant progress before the year ends... I am counting on your support.

MOM, YOU ROCK!
Oh yes, I saw the children yesterday and they said I have lost weight. Thank God... I hope I can shock them some more when I see them again at the end of of the month. Go mommy!! Go mommy!!!

HALLO HALLO!!!

DEM DON COME AGAIN
One good thing about going somewhere for a 2nd time is that there are no surprises. For me what has made this 2nd missionary journey possible is the fact that I am coming back from a sojourn in the recent past that is even worse than my earlier conquests. What the hell am I talking about, right? Ok I will explain! I have returned to the TORTURERS… yes, I did! I came to terms with the fact that I am unable to walk the path of weight-watching on my own so I sought help… again!

WELCOME BACK PACKAGE
2 new faces but witches all the same. They warned me that this will be a little more difficult this time… Don’t I know it!??! The torture was, Oh-my-God!!!! Pounding and kneading and pinching like she needed to prove a point to certain parts of my body. You guys really need to see these girls at work. They keep doing their thing, pushing your limit until you wince in pain.

THIS IS IT
I won’t be doing this ever again! I intend to do it right. But never again!!! Whatever I weigh at December is what I weigh.

LAGOS GO HEAR AM!!

SUDDEN AWAKENING!
Just suddenly occurred to me that I might just be able to crack this and actually lose enough weight to become 'a new creation'- Lepa candy, Agbo nma, suzzy, oma uma awu aru! Guys, do you know what that means? Hmm! I would worry if I was you o! Check am now! As a plus size, I still wear pretty much everything I want to wear. I of course make sure that I do not go OTT but I, you know, I take it there!!

WHEN YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...
(Remember that song?) If I now lose weight, and really begin to look like Tyra Banks again (wink wink) who will be able to hold me down? Poor Chidi!! That's why they say that we should be careful what we pray for, abi?

WAKE UP!
Ok, that was a nice dream. As for reality... it is one day at a time. And trust me guys, the days are loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong!

10 DAYS... 10 KILOS

Hi guys!!! I'm back!!! The short break went on to last over 6 weeks but I am back!!! Trust me it was a silly break and things went out of control pretty quickly!

GOODBYE TORTURERS!
At first it was an excuse around the children. I couldn't find the time to visit my flesh-pounders because my car was permanently at the beck and call of the boys. It was tough trying to add my schedule to theirs! Okay, this is not necessarily an excuse but it's a genuine explanation for why things changed.

IRRESPONSIBILITY
For some reason, when I am bad, I am horrid! Why?? I really don't understand myself but the minute I started to allow myself a spoon of rice, I decided it was time also for chocolates and ice-cream! That's my greatest worry about myself and this whole 'quest to change the lifestyle'. I will have to plan a sensible (for me) weekly diet program at the end of all this (when I achieve my set target) that allows me 2 irresponsible days or meals or treats... It's gotta happen!

LEMON CLEANSE
Today, I started the lemon cleanse. I decided to do the 10-day cleanse before I head back to the torturers. I might resume the flesh-pounding, but not the poisons at this time. Will do that in 10 days!

Are you guys with me? You know I need you!!!! Especially now that I don't even have my Cheer-leader Bube...

STILL HERE

YUP...
Hi Guys. I hope you have missed me like I have missed you. I have been too ashamed to show my face. I have failed you all. At the end of the day, I found that this was just like all my other slimming endeavours... a flash in the pan (for want of a better expression).

STILL SEARCHING
I am still searching within me for the initial zeal that propelled me to lose the initial 12 kilos. Seems to have evaporated! I am tired. So so tired! I don't seem to be able to reign myself in. Too much happening around me right now. Work's demands! Children home. Food everywhere. Late nights and late night snacks. General lack of discipline...

SIGH...
Help!

EVEN THE POPE SEF GOES ON HOLIDAY!

SHORT BREAK
I was unable to convince my torturers about taking a break from the program! Instead, they doubled my poison so that I will see the rapid results that I seek! Can't everyone understand that I need a break? Just a little one! Well, I had discussed until September with the torturer but I was denied that luxury. She wouldn't even consider the weekend! Let's face it, inertia has set in... and it ain't funny!

YOU OPENED YOUR STOMACH!
That conjures a horrible image in my mind! I am very visual so very slight suggestions spark off my imagination! I just see a woman (not me) with her stomach open in front of her... and every organ in full view! Anyway, that's what they told me. They said I had opened up the stomach again and that is why my appetite has grown back to "large" or what every other person would call "normal"... And the witches are right. I have been constant with the boiled groundnuts, introduced a flavoured water to my regimen (ssssh... haven't told them that!) and 'pick' freely from the children's meals. I had chips at KFC yesterday! You know how I love chips!!! So I need to close it back!

ONLY JESUS CAN SAVE (HELP)
Gotta go back to the Father. It is only He that instils discipline in me. Gotta get nearer my God... in Spirit and in Truth.

Thanks guys...

LOSING STEAM

AS EXPECTED
I am officially losing steam especially as we get deeper into the summer vacation. I believe only a rekindling of my exercising can help me now!

FATTY TIDBITS...

TRADING STORIES
My 2 new best friends and I are on a BB group called SlimShadies! We trade our secrets, our fears, our pains and our successes as we strive down the path of weight-loss. We are all regulars at the torturers and have learned that a support group suchas we have formed is fantastic since most of our experiences at the torturers are at best, unpopular.

So we whine, and bicker and urge each other on! Today was interesting! We took on the slim people... Thos "Ogwu Azu's" that manage to stay the same weight even after they have eaten a horse! We agreed that we hate them so! We discussed a 45-year old who eats pounded yam every night when she gets back from work. She eats it served in bed. And sleeps off after that. She is a perfect size 10. Her first daughter is 23 or so and her last (of 4) is 16! We decided that she is our top "Hatee".

We discussed the Kpelenge salesladies in shops that put their best plastic customer service face and say to us, "We don't have your size here!" We hate them too! Those smart alec mgbeke white girls in the malls that direct us to Evans when we make the mistake of entering a Dorothy Perkins or River Island shop!

Somebody remembered how we are scorned at Theme parks when the seat belt won't fasten. How we have had to come down from such rides in the full view of our children, friends et al. The embarrassment when we get into a lift and people begin to count us as 2 people when there is a pple weight limit.

The discussions soon went to the different people who feel superior to us because they are slimmer than us. Telling us what to do. What we are not doing. How disappointed they are and how we should "control ourselves". We happily cursed the mouths that had demeaned us over the years and the judgments that had been passed on us.

Our joint resolve was in unison, "Never again!" We are going to crack this!

LIFE BEGINS AT 41

TOMORROW, TOMORROW, I LOVE YOU TOMORROW...
You are only a day away! Happy Birthday, Lomsee! And make sure you enjoy the cakes!

JOY IN WEEDING
I just spent the earlier part of the day putting away the clothes that are now too big for me! Whoop Whoop!! Then I went to my inner cabinets to unearth the clothes that I put away as tight... sorting the ones that now fit. Oh, this is good!!!

I AM LOSING IT!!

NOW I AM DODGING THE TORTURERS!
It's a pity what I have found myself doing but the old Uloma has reared her head! I need to push her back and away! I am not sure that I know how. I am rewriting meal plans, substituting calorie counts and generally doing anything I like! I have decided that boiled groundnuts are not so bad especially if I have some tablets of Alli after them to ensure that no oil was retained. I have learnt a mild enema style that helps me unburden my large intestines in a manner that worries even me at its assumed efficiency! I crave Wednesday water! Have slacked on my gym activities and I am not sure what I weigh because I avoid the torturers' scale.

Woe is me! Where can I get a new zest from? I see slim people and I feel, "Who are you kidding? You cannot ever be nearly that slim!" Why is this happening to me??? Maybe I need a vacation. A vacation from... my life!

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS!!

I DID WEDNESDAY WATER TWICE!
My people, I did say I am at break-point! I'm at that stage when I become terribly undisciplined and then things begin to go down-hill! I need your prayers! Can you imagine that I decided that I was a wise woman who could beat the witches at their game. I collected the wednesday (brown, smelly) water and decided that I can have a nice binge before drinking the poison. I did! I had 3, not one or 2 but, 3 cobs of freshly boiled corn. I even had both ube and coconut (thanks to Aunty Cook who decided to spoil me - afterall I asked for corn!).

Anyway, this is me thinking, "well since the smelly poison water is going to purge me anyway... I might as well eat anything I wish, then I drink the "Purge Juice"..." Wrong move! I drank the poison and... nothing happened! No, you must understand this. The usual acid trail started at the back of my throat, down to my stomach but apart from on "normal" visit to the loo... nothing happened!

I spent the night knowing that I had all that poison inside of me that needed to get out! Hmm... by morning I opted to have a self-administered 'mild' enema... No way I was going to have that poison in my tummy for that long! I felt better... psychologically at least! But there was the little problem of 2 kilos...

WEDNESDAY WATER: TAKE 2!!
At weigh-in yesterday, I had lost 1 kilo. Hmm, I thought... not too bad. But I needed the 2nd kilo in this "make-or-break week"! I complained that the wednesday water did not work and that I need to repeat it!! Couldn't believe the words were coming from me! But it worked! They gave me a second dose. Took it last night and again... It did not quite purge! I think my body has gotten used to the poison...

What new trick can I find?

I AM NOT YOUR MUMMY!!!

JUST BECAUSE I AM "ON THE BIG SIDE"
Was going past some kids who were selling stuff and they were calling on me to buy something. "Mummy, come buy! Mummy, na original one!" Now, maybe I am really getting very touchy these days but I nearly slapped the kid! Who is your Mummy!??? Idiot! I have always said of weight-loss victories (no matter how small) that they are so overrated! Once a woman start attending the aerobics class frequently for a week she decides that she can now show off her arm in the bright red tank top... or tuck her shirt into her pants... and knack belt on top! It's very psychological! It becomes annoying therefore when a stranger (who has no idea where you are coming from!!) looks at you and calls you "Mummy!"

LIFESPAN OF HIGH-HEELED SHOES
Wondered why my high shoes get wobbly and old before i have worn them well enough. If my friend (and co-sojourner) had not mentioned this I would never had made the connection. She said she wants to lose weight so that she can fit into her clothes and stop wobbling on highheeled shoes. Yup! Fat people also have balance issues!! We tend to be balancing our bulk on stilts when we attempt high shoes. Thank God for the return of platforms and scholls etc... very fat-friendly! LOL!!!

GYM TENACITY
One question for the skinny people I meet and leave at the gym every morning. "What is it?? What is pursuing you from your house??? Who is putting you through this physical torture??" I get to the gym at 9.00 am and you are there! At 8.00 am you are there! At 7.00 you are there? Na wetin??? I spend 1 hour at the gym and I am prepared to go, and you start on a new machine and set the time on 45 mins! You no get work?? I spend 45 mins on the treadmill and I am wilting... but 2 hours after you are still sprinting like you just got there!

You know what? These people are no inspiration to me! If anything, they kinda dampen my hope! I can never have as much time as they seem to have (Is that what's required???). Most books and trainers say 3-4 hours a week, but they do this in a day, and everyday. And they are already Size 10!!

Ok... I have vented! I shall persevere! Wednesday water today...

POWER WEEK!!!

MAKE OR BREAK
I will admit to you guys, it is getting harder to stay as disciplined as when I started. I find myself willfully eating some "no-no's" and worse, feeling no remorse. But this week has to be the one! I think I will repeat the no dinner week... err, repeat??? Have I done that before? I know I have "hoped" to! And Wednesday water is due this week. That should guarantee a good drop.

EXERCISE TO THE RESCUE... YES? NO?
The problem is that the more I exercise the hungrier I get! How does one take care of this situation? Issue is I have more time again so I will surely step up the gym and swimming.

God please help me!

MASTER CLEANSE THERAPY!

THEY HAVE COME AGAIN O!
I was chatting with a friend on FB last night who lost 10kg in 14 days using the Mater Cleanse therapy. Apparently, by eating nothing and by drinking loads of this liquid therapy made up of fresh lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper you can drop 10kg in 2 weeks! My question is always the same, why buy maple syrup for 60 pounds to starve for 14 days. Why don't you just starve anyway for 14 days and just drink water! I bet you will lose the same if not more!

THE PARADOX THAT IS WEIGHT-LOSS
Was just discussing with a friend today about the paradox of weight expenses. It is cheap, very cheap to add weight and it is very expensive to lose weight! One would have thought that the reverse will be the case. A good leafy salad costs about 3 times as a burger would in the same restaurant!

IT'S GRAPE-FAST FRIDAY
I hit the gym again today after a loooooong break! It was good to get the heart pumping again! Will try to do a lot more of that in the coming weeks...

So how was your week?

FAT PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE TOO!

MEANIE OLD MEANIES
I guess maybe it is a Naija thing to be insensitive but when you are the subject of the insensitivity, it really hurts! So, this is me doing my countdown to the "fabulous and flabless" me and hating the fact that I am really depriving myself of too many of the things that bring me joy. I get up everyday knowing that I will have definite temptations, desires for certain meals and snacks, and knowing that I will not be able to have any of them. I drive by the usual eateries and stores and they beckon as usual and I look away, sometimes more easily than other times. Anyway, you get the picture.

So you can imagine how it feels when people make comments like... There was this time I was at a party and as usual the gist moved to dieting, exercise, weight management etc. I made a show of wanting us to change the discussion to more pleasant things. "Hey, Uloma no follow for dis gist. Obviously she has given up! I don't even blame her sef" That hurt. I haven't given up!

Then there was the other time I finished a training session... very recently. I took a glance at the feedback forms at end and saw a comment that made my heart cringe. "I thoroughly enjoyed the training. The facilitators were really very interesting especially the FAT woman. She really understood our industry". That hurt... It also haunted me for days.

People just gotta be nicer to fat people...

A VETERAN IS BORN!

DIDN'T FLINCH
Too much hype about the wednesday water! I found that it was just as awful to drink (and smell) but my strategy worked. I took it early (at 6 p.m) so my 8th visit (and last) was at about 2.00 a.m. which made it possible for me to still have another undisturbed 4 hours of sleep! For some reason, I also didn't have the acute nausea like the last time so it was really quite a breeze! So for all the worriers, chill out cos this girl's on top of things!

COULD EAT A HORSE... DAMN NEARLY DID
New problem though... By thursday morning I was ravenous! I could not stop eating! I was quite undisciplined too! Even had 6 chocolate chip cookies that Bube had oh-so-temptingly forgot in my fridge for a week! (Bube is mean to me, really!!!) I battled the temptation for minutes, hours... no make that "days"! I couldn't forget that there in my fridge were the most scrumptious Cadbury's cookies ever made. Rejected by Bube... and serving as a lure to my "long-throat". Ah, but long throat na bad thing!

I wondered why I succumbed this time. If it could be tied to my prayer-life. Yeah, I hadn't prayed in 2 days because I just upped and went really early because I've been so so busy! I have asked for forgiveness today! Let's see how I fare. Besides today is Friday, the no-food day!

I GOT COMPANY
A friend of mine started the program (for the first time) on Tuesday! I am so glad... could do with the company!

I will do my weigh-in at 12 noon. I doubt that I achieved the 2 kilo loss...

SAME AS ANY OTHER SUICIDE!!

IT'S PREMEDITATED
I picked up the poison today. I knew that if I picked it up then I would be more inclined to take it, innit? So she looks me in the eye, the chief torturer, smiles (I can swear I detected an evil glint in her eyes!) and she say, "Drink it. It will help you!" Of course it will help me, I think furiously! It will help me stay up all night making dashes to the loo. It will help me appreciate how big my house is, as the loo becomes farther and farther away from my bed. It will help me realise that sleep is a good gift from God, when you have it! It will help me... I guess it will also help me get the much needed 2kg shift!

THE PSYCHING
Been walking and jumping up and down! Talking to myself in the mirror. Convincing myself that I have to do this and that I can! Besides I had a piece of KFC chicken this afternoon... make that 2 pieces. Figured that I could afford a slice of heaven since I was headed to hell later! I must flush that out!

THE "KNOWING" THAT IT IS BAD FOR YOU!
No sleep tonight.

THE "GOING AHEAD"
2kg loss is ringing in my head! Nothing else matters right now!

THE REGRET... IF YOU LIVE TO HAVE THEM!
I have set it all out. The poison. The toothpaste on toothbrush to brush immediately after. The spoon of natural honey to further dull the taste. And of course like every other good suicide... the suicide note for DH.

No looking back... Details tomorrow!

ABUJA AGAIN!

"BE PREPARED"...
Always the Girl Guide. I went to the children's school this time prepared. I had a huge bowl of salad, steamed fish and Moimoi. A bit more than I needed but it was important to surround myself with the right stuff! I succumbed (again) to the small chops... a few samosas and puff-puffs (I always do!!) but not enough to worry, I hope!

GREEN TEA
I forgot to mention that I have introduced this "wicked" green tea into the mix. Take it every night laced with lime and a 1/2 teaspoon of natural honey. It has improved my bowel movement... That was becoming a problem at some point!

I will definitely be doing GBS2 this wednesday... still shudder at the thought!

Bye peeps!

PIECE OF CAKE!!

NO, NOT WHAT YOU THINK!
I did NOT have a piece of cake! Hell NO!!! Not now... I am doing very very well with controlling the kinds of things I eat. The only cake I look forward to is the one I promised myself for the 13th of July, My birthday. I hope to be quite decadent that day!!

But to be honest, I am quite proud of myself and I do believe that with your support I might just crack this once and for all! (mmwaaaah to y'all)

MASSAGE 'N' GO!
The piece of cake is really about me and the massages. I surprise myself with how easily I lie through them. It has gotten so bad (or is it 'so good') that I have started a one-(wo)man campaign for the rolling pin to be added to the massages! Yes o! I am fast becoming a torturer myself! I figured since my pain threshold has increased, I might as well pile on the pressure. Truth be told, these massages are quite effective. (I wonder about later... but I am happy to cross that bridge when I get there!)

BUSY BUSY BUSY
It is good and bad, being busy, you know. On the one hand I don't quite think "Food" while I am lecturing but when it is over... when it is over, I begin to search for my "pat on the back". But so far, so good!

MY WEIGHT GRAPH
Those that know me well won't be surprised about this. I started a graph (chart)... You won't believe the joy it gives me when I find that it is constantly inching south... ever so slowly. At first it was a crazy yo-yo picture, going up and down like that was the intention... but lately it has been on the downward trend and it is good to see!

IT'S ALL GOOD, BUT...
I lost .3 kilos as at last weigh-in on Friday. (Is anyone keeping records? LOL!!!)I think you will agree with me that we may need to do Wednesday water this week... and it is not an idle threat this time! I need to do something impressive this week and I thing GBS2(That's the scientific name the torturers call it) is just the thing! So, that means a miserable wednesday night, a weak "Uloma" on Thursday, but a delightful weigh-in on Friday!

Off to Abuja tomorrow to see Ugo... Gotta love and leave you
XXXXOOOXXXX

WORK AND TRAVEL!

I NEED PRAYERS!
This is the perfect combination for things going really bad! When I have too much work I pat myself on the back by having a "treat". Now, before the "war" a treat would have meant an icecream cone, a chocolate bar or a really sinful plate of fried plantain and egg stew! (sigh ... it is amazing just how much one has had to give up for the cause!!!) Anyway, we are here again and I know the temptations are near, and waiting to pull me down! God help me!

RESULTS AT THE TORTURERS
Lost .2kg. It's all good!

OH NO... IT IS CORN SEASON!!

MY TORTURERS DON BOW FOR ME!
I had no idea that I would still lose any weight. Truth is that I expected to add because I cheated on Saturday and Sunday when I had a cob of corn on each of the days. I had driven outside Lagos on Friday to attend a meeting at the Lagos Business School and coming back was when temptation slipped in... Fresh oka and ube lined the road from sellers who were obviously just bringing the fresh cobs in from the muddy farms. And it was a rainy day... My people, who can resist freshly boiled corn and ube on a rainy June evening. Check am!

So that was my weekend o! But I apparently have a new understanding about eating my last meal early. I believe that was what worked for me. So I got in to find only my new chief torturer, Mary, at the "shrine". She eyed me up and down as if to visually assess me before I stood on their "hateful" scale. "I ate corn o!" I blurted out as if I was at the confessional. Then her look over turned caustic as she entered into the register, "She ate corn!!" I said, "Ah! Can't I tell you something in secret? You sef!" "Madam, stand for scale, make we check!" I did and...

I DROPPED ONE MORE KILO!!
Go Lomsee! Go Lomsee!!!

FAT IS SEXY...

OH YEAH!
You have to be fat to appreciate this. In fact, you have to be fat to think "fat"... period! Last year when I was in the UK I had to stop and ponder when my sis-in-law (and usual shopping companion) said to me, "Hmm, Uloma, do you know that it's only fat people (women) you have admired since we got here?" I guess unconsciously I was looking out for what would be flattering for me by appreciating what looked good on people my size! But the important thing is that I actually began to see the tricks and highlights of fat-dressing! It's a skill in itself and when mastered... it sure works!

I DON DE TIRE O!
I found that the nights and weekends are becoming increasingly difficult! Going out is too much of a temptation and not going out is too much of a bore! The later I stay awake to work (and there've been a lot of loooong nights lately... thank God! - work is picking up!!) the more I am tempted to have a piece of fish or chicken. How am I going to push the weightloss figure to 10kg this week then?

GYM MAYBE?
I will hit the gym on Mon-Wed and see what happens. I can't even threaten to do "Wednesday water" because you know about my liver-failure and besides, the morning after is too busy for me to risk sleeplessness and fainting spells!

This is so hard! But the inches are going off. At least so says my "afternoon shift" torturer who I saw yesterday. I want to believe her!!!

GOOD GOOD MORNING!!!

SINGING IN THE RAIN!!
Hello my lovely people! It's a beautiful day! Not sure why I am so happy this morning cos I really shouldn't be! It's raining cats and dogs as I am driving to the other end of town! I am about to make a presentation at Unilever that I have no idea how they will accept. I have meetings at Ajah from 12 noon till God knows when! I should really be miserable... But I am so not so!!!

COULD IT BE THE DIET?
I doubt it o! I wasn't terribly good yesterday. In fact I was quite bad! And in response to your fears I did not do the wednesday water! I had what we refer to here as "liver failure". Couldn't muster the courage! The torturers begged and cajoled, "Aunty, you know say na im go shift the scale for you. Work still plenty o!". I showed them the mark on my forehead... there is no mark really, but... and reminded them that I need to be alive to lose the weight, abi?

I THINK IT'S JESUS!
I feel a new and wholesome connection and believe it or not I do believe that the denial that comes from dieting is a factor that has helped. Somehow, I am building a 'forgotten' habit of discipline in more things than the diet. In exercise. In my utterances. In my pastimes. What I fill my head and time with, et al! It's great!

NO FOOD TODAY!
Today is Friday again. I'm lifting my glass of grapefruit juice and saying "Cheers y'all!"

DROPPED AGAIN!!

WOO HOO!!!
Back on track! Lost the dreaded 1kg again

Still dancing around a total of 6 and 7kg after nearly 5 weeks but I do not despair! I just plan not to add again and concentrate on eating less towards the evening. We'll see how it goes.

I didn't do the Wednesday poison! My heart was beating too fast!!! Pity really cos I'd have had a guaranteed 2kg loss!

Work has gotten really busy so exercise is a challenge. Hate that! But hey... one day at a time, right!??

MORE DECADENCE

COME ON, ULOMA!
Ok, let me explain. My new Chief Torturer (the one that dishes out the potions and the starvation diet plans) told me on Friday that I can only have Bran flakes. She quickly added, when I didn't flinch, that it can only be one meal (preferably between lunch and dinner). I still looked nonplussed so she added, "If you really want to shift the scale, then you have to do this. And the bran should be taken in a standard mug so u don't ave too much!" I just smiled sweetly and said, "Ok". In my mind I was shouting, "Wicked witch of the west!!! Come and try it yourself!! Idiot!! Kpelenge. Ogwu azu!!" The girl comes to work with her 2 children aged 1 year and 3 months and she has the body of a 12 year old! Idiot!

So, picture the situation. I am slightly (no, very) defiant. I added 1 kilo from being compliant! So I was not very pleased. I made a verbal promise to do better by my next weigh-in (on Monday) but I made the mental calculation... Hmmm, party at Alex's on Saturday nite and I host the Govt College Afikpo Old boys on Sunday and Iya Bose had been contracted to cook!!! E go hard!!!

OLD BOYS MEETING
Saturday morning went well with my skimmed milk and honey for breakfast. Bran flakes (in a bowl!) for lunch... then the fish peppersoup (EXTRA) at the party. Then came Sunday. Skimmed milk and honey for breakfast before church. Came back to see that Iya Bose had set up her spread... Hmmm!!! Took my Bran flakes (on second thoughts I shouldn't have bothered because I knew I was going down! LOL!! Less than 2 hours later, I "tasted" the vegetable soup, then the "fresh fish", then the moimoi, then it made sense to taste the jollof rice (just a fork full) since Obidigbo had made too much noise about how good it tasted! Then I totally lost it... Went downstairs found a green apple and while I was chewing it mindlessly I found some left-over wings. "Warm it up for the children." I told Aunty Cook. Ha! I knew who it was for! Anyway, suffice it to say that I knew I was done for! And weigh-in was only in hours!

DAMAGE CONTROL
This part is gooey... I had to do something quickly if I was going to weigh successfully. And I still have the new problem of reduced bowel movement... so all that food was right there! Decided to call in all the forces... frontal and rear attack! Frontal was ALLI and Bitters capsules... guaranteed to run my stomach and also reduce the intake of oil. 2 capsules each... Then Rear attack was my faithful home-kit enema... Oh, you don't want to know how effective the stuff is! So between last night and this morning my pump-action had been put to good use.

RESULTS...
Just before I went to do my 10 laps at the pool, I stopped at the torturers for my weigh in and massage and guess what? I dropped by .1kg. LOL!!! Cunny man die, cunny man bury am, right!??

But seriously though... this is end of month one and I did not meet my desired (weight) goal. Work to do! Work to do!!! My diet these 2 days will be fish pepper soup, feel free to join me!

COMMENDATION CAME CALLING!!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING, BUT...
My dear peeps! That was DH o! After all my mouth and all my sighing and crying... At this point when it was looking like I was going to turn in the towel... Hmmm! He gave me one of those looks I don't still understand (even after 15 years of marriage) so I was not sure what was coming next! And he goes, "I don't know what you are doing, but please keep it up. It's yielding phenomenal results!" I did some mental back-flips and danced a spiritual jig or two and then answered, "It's not easy. But I am taking it one day at a time!"

I AM GUNNING FOR A GREAT WEEK!
Needless to imagine this put me (and my mental state) back on track so I began to right some of the wrongs from Friday! Well I may never get Friday's grapefruit fast back but I did a penance of sorts on Saturday and Sunday at breakfast. Ditched the cucumber and had only the glass of skimmed milk and honey on both days. I spoiled it though by having a bowl of fish pepper-soup at about 11.00 pm cos I was at a party... and you know how that gets! And before you crucify me, note that I passed on all those lovely small chops (puff-puff, samosas, spring-rolls, chicken bits and snails). I even passed on the meal... well, truth is that real meals frighten me now so they are not even in focus! But I did have a late meal... not good!

WEDNESDAY WATER!
Well, you know and I know that I really should not be considering this but... this week has to shift! I must get to 8 or 9 kilos off by Friday! Abi how you see am? I mean, I know that the massages are doing a great job of working on the inches but... that scale has got to shift further west! I promise not to "die"... But I think I might do it this week o. I am warning you ahead of time so you don't say I sneaked it in!

MORE COMMENDATIONS
Oh, yeah, my friends said my face is slimming down. They wanted to know if it is deliberate? What are you doing? I told them I wired my teeth spiritually!!! Let them go figure! I only tell you guys the truth... keep everyone else (inc. DH) guessing.

TOTALLY LOST IT TODAY!

ALL CRUMBLING DOWN
Started okay with 15 laps in the pool this morning! Felt like I had it going! Forgot how ravenous that would make me. Forgot also that today (Friday) was supposed to be Grape Fruit fast... Tough! Then I get to the torturers and they say I added .9kg! Come on!!! Now I know that Aunty Cook's incidence forced me to buy (oily) vegetable soup from outside but it couldn't have been that bad! And I had my ALLI to help curtail the oil intake! Well, that pissed me off!

MIGHT DO POISON NEXT WEEK O!
Was also supposed to be the weigh-in after the Wednesday night (ritual) which you know I did not do... I missed that shift in scales.

SO I LOST IT!
I didn't do the fast. Had 2 large meals. Might make up for it tomorrow, or I might not! Tired of the yo-yo thing... Nonsense!

TODAY NA TODAY!!

MOMMY YOUR ARMS ARE SOFTER
"In fact your whole body is softer!" I smiled as Bube said this because I knew why the body was so soft. Every muscle on my body knew why it was softer. Every pore on my skin understood why everything is soft and pliant! The torturers have been doing a great job, innit?!?!!? I block my mind to the pain when they start... even though they tell me, "Ah Madam, you see, you are getting used to it!" Truth though is that no skin can take that plumelling and stay the same. My worry is... so I am softer... is that a good thing or a bad thing for fighting flab? My friend told me yesterday that she hopes I won't get chicken arms! I hope not too!! I am intensifying the weights at the gym but each time I look at the sheer size of my arms, I worry. Like, where will all that meat vanish to? I wish... Oh I wish I never got here!!!

1.4 kg GONE AGAIN
Well, It happened. I lost it again. Was not sure if I would this time even though I was really good with the diet... (salad for the 2 days). As usual I spiced up the salads to make em more interesting

VEGETABLE SOUP WAHALA
As we speak, Aunty Cook (That's my cook) is on her way to my office in tears and in a taxi! What happened? Hmmm! Gist de come! She entered a bus to go get the stuff she needed to make my soup. But it was a "one chance" bus! Hmm. One Chance buses refer to these buses are run by armed robbers who pretend to be genuine buses until the bus is full...at which point they announce their identity and begin to rob the passengers. In some extreme situations, they actually deliver passenger to ritualists and so on! What can I say??

We thank God for her life! And for her "rickety" phone! They threw her phone back at her as "worthless"! I tire...

ADDED 1.4KG

CAN U IMAGINE???
I think what was most annoying was the new 'nurse' at the torturers who decided to tell her colleague (in yoruba) that I was lying. And that I must have eaten something I should not have eaten. It was difficult not to vent my frustrations on her!! Well, we decided after that the weight gain was a combination of 2 things...
1)The initial weight loss after the Wednesday night debacle was 'erroneous' at best. Probably just a loss of water
2)The gym regimen is sure to add some muscle before it begins to help wt inch loss...

LET IT BE SO O
I am slowly losing interest in the types and portions of foods... The craving for chocolate is returning. Help!!!

NOT FAST ENOUGH

I LIE...
I know that I am doing really well for the 20 days that I've been on this program but I can't help wishing that there was a bit more obvious change. I went out to a party yesterday and I had actually thought that a lot of people would notice the drop and commend me. (Didn't realise just how much I craved the pat on the back!!!) Well, 2 people gave a thumbs up sign and urged me to carry on with whatever it is that I am doing but everyone else was ... well, oblivious. Sad. I guess that's why I have you guys! Thanks for the overwhelming support... Never go away!!

dh...HMMM!
dh means "Dear Husband". Let's just put it this way... I am not doing it for him. If I was, I would have stopped today!

It's another new week ahead! New challenges, no travel (Thank God) so I should do my fair quota of exercise!

FARTS, WARTS & ALL

CLUMSY...
You probably always suspected that fat people are slightly untidy and clumsy. Well, you were right. They are. Not because they want to be, but because, well the body just kinda begins to dictate what gets done... or not! Suddenly you are not as "streamlined" so the clothes fit, albeit in an untidy, frumpy way. That's when you stop tucking in your clothes then start wearing tents and such!

FARTS R' US
And they fart. Yes. These little silly 'puffs' escape a lot more. I guess it 's because there's a lot more pressing down on the stomach! Fat, flab, flesh... stuff like that. A fat person has issues. They are thinking how to control the next fart when others are thinking more grand stuff like, "how to change the world". They are thinking how to get out of a tricky, "farty" situation when it is clear that they are the most likely culprit. They develop the "look". It's the same look you have in the plane when the seat-belt won't go round. It's the "what-are-you-looking-at?" look. It dares you to stare at the farter. Or better still it says, "I know you are thinking (and knowing) that I am the farter... but you and I know that you can do nothing about it. So there!"

WARTS R' US TOO!
Warts and all sorts of other skin 'things' begin to appear too! Suddenly your skin is complaining and totally confused. The stretch to the skin was bound to have consequences, I guess. It can only take so much! The cellulite(s) become well defined and recognizable buddies. You can practically name them... "Oh hi, Timmy Front-Thigh!" Or "How's the day, Flora Back-Arm!" And you wonder why I am doing the fat breaking massages?!?! It's to kill every last one of those taunters! And we are getting there! I have asked the torturers to introduce rolling pins... Yup, absolute pre-meditated murder, no less! Yup, I'm willing to do the time! LOL!!!

HEY, IT'S DAY 18!
It's Day 18 and I've lost 6.6 kg in all. Well, the target was 20kg in 3 months... All things being equal, yours truly will meet and surpass the target! What do you think? Have a great weekend!

STOP SIGN IS CLEAR!!!

HEADACHE
I have a headache and I am still having dizzy spells. It is not only because i am hungry... though I am, it is because of a really horrific story that I am going to tell you now.

NO MORE, I PROMISE!
Let's get that out of the way first. I will never put myself through these Wednesday night sagas ever again. These potions are indeed lethal and could well cost one her life! Hmmm! Story de come.

VISIT TO THE LOO: TAKE 7!
Needless to imagine, sleep was not entertained at all last night. The turmoil in the belly was on "surround sound" levels! The trips to and from the loo were incrementally lengthened. Each time, coming back to the bed took longer... and seemed further. On the 7th take I knew I was done-for. Nausea set in to complement the runs... I rushed for a bucket and began to wretch... that was all I remembered before the blinding headache and realisation that I was on the cold floor. I must have passed out! Ok, I know I passed out. Not sure for how long! Woke to a bump on the head and a pain in the right shoulder. You can close your mouth now...!

A RECAP ON INTENTIONS...
For the record, i am NOT masochistic! I am NOT an extremist in any way. I am however quite the weight-watch abandoner! I am aware that there are healthier, longer methods of achieving this desired purpose but I have neither the time nor the patience. Worse, I lack long-term commitment. Having said that, I do intend to stay alive so I will be picking and choosing my 'solutions' a bit more.

Don't cry for me... Fabulous and Flabless will 'happen'! On this blog

NB
Yeah, I lost 1.5kg overnight... Or was it 2kg?

WHERE ARE THE SEEDS?

THE PAWPAW SEEDS
I don't know what became of the seeds I had for lunch on Monday and Tuesday... I mean, I expected to "see" them at the other end but didn't! Maybe they were well digested... Hmmm. Did anyone google the effect of pawpaw seeds swallowed whole? I did...

BENEFITS

Not only are papaya seeds edible, but they are also good for you. Here are four health benefits of papaya seeds.

Antibacterial Properties
Research has found that papaya seeds are effective against E. coli, Salmonella, and Staph infections.

Kidney Protection
Research has found that papaya seed extract may protect the kidneys from toxin-induced kidney failure.

Eliminates Intestinal Parasites
There is evidence that papaya seeds eradicate intestinal parasites. In a study done on Nigerian children with intestinal parasites, 76.7% of the children were parasite-free after seven days of treatment with papaya seeds compared to only 16.7% of the children who received a placebo.

Liver Detoxifier
In Chinese medicine, it is believed that a teaspoon of papaya seeds will help detoxify the liver. Papaya seeds are often recommended by natural doctors in the treatment of cirrhosis of the liver.

ERR... ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?
Doesn't say anything about weight-loss! KMT!!! Never again... I'd sooner starve!

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

GOOD NEWS
I lost the 2 kilos again... so we are back on track! Trust me, it wasn't easy committing to the pawpaw therapy but hey! It worked!

The other good news is that we are eating again. Salad... I hope I don't go OTT this time! Sticking to factory made salads! Either from Munchies or TFC... I get too adventurous when I am let lose in the kitchen!

BAD NEWS
My torturer told me today that my last massage left marks on my body! She said my other torturer really overdid it and that was why I was in terrible pain today... Yes, I was! Now that worried me! No torturer should be allowed such excessive battering of a customer's body! See me see trouble oh! When I complained 2 days ago to you guys I was just 'gisting' oh! Only to have all sorts of marks now on the body. Should I sue?

But I lost 2kg and that makes me feel good. I know, I'll give Torturer 1 a good tongue-lashing on Friday!

MODERATION

MODERATION (MEANING 1)
I am sorry that I am moderating comments... I have been advised to do so to avoid what might shock us all when "them bad eggs" decide to get busy allover our blog. Barring time differences (even though I do wake up at night to peek at your comments...LOL), I promise that my blackberry makes the moderation almost real time. Do bear with me!

MODERATION (MEANING 2)
This is day 2 of pawpaw therapy and trust me it has taught me a new lesson in moderation! Sunday was downright irresponsible!

I weigh in tomorrow at about noon. It had better be good!

2 KG GAIN IN 2 DAYS!

THIS IS NOT GOOD!!!
I added 2 kg. I will go through all my Saturday and Sunday "intake" so we find where the 2kg came from

SATURDAY MORNING

Should have had... 2 cucumbers
But had... a bowl of cucumber and (1/2 a green) apple salad with a little dash of low-fat mayo. Oh, and I cut up a pepperoni sausage in it! Oops!

SATURDAY AFTERNOON
Should have had... 4 spoons of "oil-less" beans or a moi-moi
But had... A moi-moi and this lovely veg thingy (Courgettes/Carrots/Cabbage/Green and Red peppers) tossed in soy sauce

SATURDAY NIGHT
Should have had... 4 spoons of "oil-less" beans or a moi-moi
But had... (Well I did attend a dinner)... fish peppersoup, then moi-moi and leftover veg at about 10.30 when I got in from the party (not good!)

SUNDAY MORNING
Should have had... Carrots or Cucumber sticks or one green apple
But had... One pepperoni sausage

SUNDAY AFTERNOON
Should have had... 4 spoons of "oil-less" beans or a moi-moi
But had... (now remember i was visiting the kids in abuja) Up to 4 sausages (I didn't have the hotdog buns so it was ok... just protein, right?) Up to a dozen honeyed chicken wings (sigh... tasted too good to stop). Up to 3 pieces of fried chicken. Now wait for this! Up to 3 puff-puffs! One smoked chicken breast (at the airport). One flavoured bottle of water... (Sweeteners not allowed... only natural honey). And guess what? I got back at about 10.00 p.m and still had the moimoi and veg

LOSER, RIGHT?
Let me guess, you are all thinking, "Come on... you ate more than even those of us that are not on the diet from hell! I'm a bad bad girl! My torturers were just as mad at me. The massage today was purely punitive. She said, "Auntie, I never work today. Only one customer don come. So I get energy well-well. And you know say this 2kg must commot for your body!"

PAWPAW THERAPY AS PENANCE!
I am on pawpaw therapy for 2 days. This means...hmmm! It means a bowl of pawpaw in the morning. Swallow half the seeds in the afternoon. Boil the skin and a pawpaw leaf and drink for dinner. Hmmm... make we de see! I just had the "dinner" and it tasted vile! Alive! Almost as bad as the aloe-vera juice I had once...

I am back to being a good girl. No more creative departures from the diet! Wish me luck

TRAVEL DOESN'T HELP... REALLY!

FOOD, FOOD AND MORE FOOD!!!!
I was in Loyola Jesuit College yesterday to see my boys. This is always a joyous time and often very well "prepared" for. So this is me making their favorite meals; Chicken Wings, Hot dogs, Fried Rice and Chicken, etc etc... I am preparing all this knowing that trouble lurks in the corner for yours truly and the "diet from hell".

POSTPONING THE WEIGH-IN
I started with "tasting" the meals as I got them prepared and by end of day I could not remember or keep track of what I had eaten and what I hadn't "tasted"! This has made me too scared to go for my weigh-in! I know that I must have added at least 1kg back because, well I know all the things I popped in my mouth!!

PENANCE
I will go for the weigh-in/ massage in the afternoon after starving through the morning (LOL!!!). Hopefully I will lose .5kg in the process of agonising...! I start gymming/swimming again this week so that should account for something! And I decided this morning that I will do wednesday water again this week as further penance. Yup! I will! Don't nobody try and stop me!

I'll let you know how the weigh-in goes...

GRAPE FAST FRIDAY

You do remember today is Friday which means I ate nothing today. Only drank water and grapefruit juice. Yes, the grapefruit juice is a recurring decimal. I am to drink this everyday, but solely on Fridays! Well I figured that the trick is to keep busy all day so you don't think about food... or chewing.

10.00 a.m
Headed out to the stores, yes sir! I bought me a fantastic (and flattering) number for the dinner party tomorrow. My old school, Lagos Business School is having the annual President's dinner (never attended) and I think it'll be good to go do some networking. Not sure how I will survive the food and temptations... Well, I'll be honest to say that I spent 3 hours in that store and my entire pay packet too! Not sure why I am buying clothes in this size. Doesn't add up, right? Well, I guess I can always take them in later... soon? lol

1.00 p.m
Went home to touch base with Bube. Was also home to see for myself that it was true... Yup! NEPA finally gave s light after a week of zero supply!

2.00 p.m
The torturers... Got the blasted massage! Oh, the weight is dropping off... Got my diet for the next 2 days. "Madam, you can have beans and vegetable" Like she was giving candy to a toddler! "But only like 4 or 5 spoons of the beans o! I don't want u to add over the weekend!" I opted for moi-moi... easier to manage. That and loads of veg.

3.00 p.m
Back, well first visit today really to the office. Figured that it'll be a good way to keep my mind off food. It was!

7.00 p.m
Got home happy that the day was over. Had another glass of grapefruit juice, sat before my laptop... then Bube happened! He brought up his dinner... Chips/Chicken/ketchup... I struggled. I fought. I scolded. "Eat that food quickly!" I shouted, "Take that plate down if you don't want to eat!" Then I...

8.00 p.m
Yup, one full hour after... I succumbed. Must have had up to 10 of those stupid fries! Hate myself. Considering penance! Already did Alli...

THE SMELL OF TOAST... YUM-YUM

SLICES OF TEMPTATION
Crisp, hot, hard, crunchy toast. Soft salted butter as it melts into the slices of bread in surrender, saying "I am one with you"... then a film of strawberry jam. Just enough to add the sugary-salty excitement to the palette. Hmmm... then the first bite and the second and then it becomes clear, 2 more slices have to be toasted. The taste is too good to reduce to just a couple of slices and before you know it, you are on your 6th slice!

STRIPS OF PLEASURE
My son sent me to KFC yesterday. I watched the chips come off the friers and remembered why I got as fat as I did. I love chips... I don't think anything compares to the taste of well-fried chips... fried crispy on the outside and soft on the inside and salted to perfection. Reminds me of the "Chop-one Chop-two" pastry that we had as kids. You start on one bag of chips and before you can say Jack Robinson, it's finished. So to save time, you order 4 bags (regulars, not large! LOL!!)

I LOVE FOOD
I have found that those of us that get this fat share a common passion... epicureanism and the love of food. I can write similar love stories (to above) on Egusi soup, Spare ribs, Wings, Mangoes, Vegetable soup... anything! I am not silly enough to imagine that this love affair will ever end, but I am hopeful that I will come to realise that I do not need to have 6 slices before I am satisfied. Just one will (should) quench the desire! Same with the chips...

I hope to learn the simple lesson of temperance and satisfaction...

HORROR!!!

My people, there is nothing funny in what I am about to share. This desperation will put me in trouble o!

WEDNESDAY WATER
Well, I did promise that I will be obedient to what ever I am asked to do. So I do my weigh-in and I lose .5kg and am unhappy. Then I am encouraged not to despair... there is a magic solution. The solution is a magic potion guaranteed to "shift" the scale! Hmm! So here I am looking at these people who are obviously "singing my song"! I so want to shift the scales, to see those numbers drop off, to wear my jeans and feel like they belong to someone else... someone bigger than me. Of course I was going to drink the magic potion.

I should have worried when she said, "Be sure that you are somewhere that you can lie down!". I may not have heard her well... Or maybe my intentions blocked out the real impact of what she was saying. But I didn't listen...

OSU GBUDU-GBUDU (TURMOIL)
The potion was not like water. If anything it looked like anything but water. It was brown. It had herbs and "things" in it. It was a small teacup measure of this 'lethal' fluid. (I was just about to discover how lethal!!) I would have liked to discuss the odour of this potion but I have no clue. I just pinched my nose shut and downed the stuff... In less than 20 mins, my tummy began to rumble and gripe. I made it to the parlour in time to tell Bube what I had just done. "If anything happens to me, tell your Daddy what I did, ok?

From 8 pm to 8 am I must have made about 15 "dizzy" visits to the loo. I was dehydrated, tired, weak, uncomfortable and sick as a dog! Not a nice night!

LOST 1.5KG OVERNIGHT!
I was not surprised!

TEN DAYS AND COUNTING...

LIGHTER
When you have been as heavy as I have been for as long as I have been then you begin to appreciate the word "light"... I am still an albatross! Pretty much the heaviest I will ever be... but I feel lighter. I know it is totally psychological. You don't go without your usual pleasures for a week and 3 days and not feel like it SHOULD be showing somewhere! LOL!! I do hope that it will start to show somewhere cos I didn't do too good today at my weigh-in!

DAMN SCALE!!
I have issues with their scale! Yup!! But unfortunately, that's the scale I have to depend on. Remember I said I was going to stay committed to the program and do it "their" way solely. Anyone who knows me must realise how much of a challenge that is in itself... conforming! I don't do "conform"... I am about, "how else?" So I only dropped .5kg in 2 days even after I survived many temptations and trials. I'll tell you about that in a minute. I braved through the massage again. Did I tell you about the punching?

TUG! PINCH! KNEAD! PULL! PUNCH!! SLAP SLAP SLAP!!!
You must begin to feel me about these massages. First you lie on the "hospital bed" looking like a slab of meat (I'm sure). Then the torturers come and work from foot to head with the singular aim of awakening and pressing every fat cell out of your body. What they don't get to with a tug and a pinch, they get to with a pull or a punch. Or they slap it out of your body! I often wonder why I don't have tell-tale signs on my skin from the constant abuse... I guess they know what they are doing cos I feel, but never look, black and blue!

PUFF-PUFF!
There was home-made puff-puff at fellowship yesterday! I did not have any... It killed me not to be able to throw those soft, lovely sweet things into my mouth... Then the chicken wings... sigh! I had my peppersoup and rested (?) Tossed and turned all night imagining that the puff-puffs were really just a reach away at the foot of the stairs. Wow! I've recorded many wins already!!

Make we de see! You guys with me still?

IT'S HAPPENING, GUYS!!!

THE TORTURERS!
That's how I have saved them on my BB. No other name is appropriate for these girls. Let me describe them a little. They are thin and terribly uninterested in you. They are there to do a job. If you are silly enough to cheat on your diets then they will happily met out your tri-weekly dose of torture on you. If you happen to lose weight by adhering to their laws... cool! But "which wan concern dem?" They have a plastic "customer service smile on their faces. And their Customer Relationship Management (CRM) script just has 2 words... "Sorry Ma". Understandably too, cos they make you sorry for every last pastry you ever enjoyed. So I was at the torturers again today after my long absence (one whole weekend). We argued about my weight... I wanted to have lost 5kg but their scale insisted that I lost 4.5kg!

THE PAIN IS STILL BAD
The pain is less during the massages, but only an nth so! I guess I should look forward to my next visit on Wednesday to confirm!

PEPPERSOUP
I made a mean chicken peppersoup today... yup that's my diet for the next 2 days! It was made up of a gizzard, smoked chicken and shrimps... I had to add a twist to make it interesting enough to sustain my interest for 2 days. It was really filling... maybe too much so!

I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I hit the gym today again! Yup. 45 mins on treadmill... This chic is not looking back!

Love ya peeps!

SOME OTHER THINGS FAT PEOPLE ARE MUM ABOUT

TUMMY DICTATIONS
The tummy grows into an adult bodypart! Yup... It grows into an independent strong-willed adult with a mind of its own. That's when you begin to realise that you can no longer rollover in bed without its permission. Or get up from a low chair without its consent. It pratically begins to order you around...

PEOPLE REACTIONS
You walk past and you see those people looking at you like you are diseased or something. Someone I hadn't met for a long time just looked at me (after he recognised me... hadn't seen me in about 6 years) and went, "Ah, Uloma!!!" about 6 times! I had to say, "It's okay, you can say it! I have changed! I have trippled in size... Just get on to a next sentence already!" Some braver people especially women you don't know from anywhere just walk up to me and say, "Mba nu! You can't do this to yourself! See this Uloma, Chidi's wife... Agbani Darego! Mba nu. Food cannot do this to you!" LOL! I have heard all sorts

OTHER CONSIDERATIONS
Dear, dear dh... Long suffering dh

LOL... later guys!

ALMOST A WEEK!
I'll tell you what, one week is a looooooooong time! LOL. And it is not even a full week yet! My body is not sure what is happening and sure as hell doesn't like it! I'm going on the 3rd day now without...err... you know... well passing faeces! I did promise that I'll be graphic so forgive me for not using the nicer expressions! LOL!!!

WHEN THE TUMMY & FRIENDS GANG UP AGAINST YOU
You know what they say about yo-yo dieting. They say that it confuses the body so much that it begins to store up food (as fat) when it does come and becomes less inclined to let go of the fat when the person begins to diet and exercise. That's why (according to the studies) it becomes increasingly difficult (but not impossible) to lose the weight. So, my digestive system is at war. At this point I am wondering if my body thinks that by retaining food in my stomach, it will still store up fat for later. I mean, how stupid can it be? Please let go...

I DON TURN TO NWA MKPI - BAA BAA!
But on the good part, it was nice to be able to chew again today. Had vegetable salad for lunch and vegetable soup (yes, again) for (early) dinner. Slowly becoming a herbivore (Not vegetarian, it's intentional!)! Let's hope I don't sprout horns! But come to think of it... how come we have some fat goats and sheep if all they eat is vegetables?

GOING HOME
Hmm... Simple pleasures, right? Chewing? Home? I am glad that the trip will end tomorrow so I can be more in control of what I eat. Considering drinking Alli to fight the oil in the vegetable soup... Maybe I will. Or maybe not. No need confusing the various herbs and stuff!

FRUIT FAST
I have had nothing today but a bottle of grape fruit juice and a bottle of water. I have a bottle of grape juice for later...

sigh!

TRAVEL LAXITIES

I will tell you no lies, there is something that happens when one is out of town, in a hotel room somewhere, no matter the reaons why (work, pleasure or both!)... It's a heightened level of indiscipline. Suddenly, the lure of JD and coke is really bad. You want to watch TV till 2! You order room service for a full course of dinner 3 times! Basically we get into loads of excesses!

MY POINT BEING...?
I am here. In my hotel room. Trust me, they don't have my prescribed diet for today...Soft moi-moi. The girl at the other end of the phone nearly laughed me to scorn when I asked for agidi to go with their vegetable soup. She said she had only pounded yam and 'semo'. I had to have the vegetable soup with some fish... and didn't even open the plate with the 'swallow'. So why do I still feel like I cheated today!!?? I know,

1. I had my meal too late (Had to get to PH and to the hotel room first, innit?)
2. Not sure I was allowed fish in the vegetable. That's the problem with substitutions!
   
3. There was quite a bit of oil in the soup
4. Finally, it tasted delicious! I don't think I am allowed to have a slice of heaven until my 3 months is through! LOL

PENANCE
Tomorrow is grape fast. Every Friday is grape fast actually. What that means is that I am only allowed glasses upon glasses of grapefruit juice. Nothing else. All day!!! I came prepared though, had my fresh grape juice squeezed form Lagos and lined up in my hotel fridge. Imagine if I had to substitute that? So I guess that'll help me get over the guilt of having enjoyed the vegetable soup too much!

EXERCISE
I am not getting enough exercise! My body aches for the treadmill, but I can't find the time! This is so unfair! I guess I will have to take to jogging on the spot in my hotel room... didn't bring my trainers!! Oh well, we'll just go on 10 toes, innit?

I need more than your prayers tomorrow! Stay with me with your fantastic messages of encouragement!

2 MISERABLE KILOS :(

THE ZONE OF PAIN
I was there for my 'fix' today. The capable hands of my torturer did not let me down!She kneaded and pinched, punched and tugged, rolled and squeezed every part of my body... even parts I did not know existed! The SSS don't need to look any further... She will get the truth (or lie) out of anyone with her mastery at pain infliction! Ok... you get the picture! "Auntie, lie on your side... sorry eh? Ok, on your back... Don't worry, you will get used to it, eh? Ok, on your tummy... should I use the rolling pin?" Kai... wahala de!

NO SHAKING!
I was wondering what was in her mind as she pinched and tugged. "Stupid woman! How did you let yourself get this big? Can't you turn away from food? Tufiakwa! See her hands... See even her head is fat! Mscheeeeeew. I wonder if she can even complete the three months. She looks as if she likes food! Orobo woman!" And as she jeered and shouted these unspoken words I was even more challenged. I will beat this. Every mouth that has spoken ill of my discipline (or lack of it) will marvel at what's gonna become of me! Yes o!

FOOD!
Then I get to "Matron". She congratulates me for losing 2 kg. Never mind that she was the same one that promised me 4 kilos when I signed up and paid the huge cheque. (And trust me guys, I stuck to the plan like my life depended on it... liars!). But seriously 2kg in 2 days ain't that bad, right? Nice jump-start into the program! She gives me a new cocktail of herbs and unnamed potions and says the magic word... FOOD! Yes, my diet is 2 Cucumbers in the morning. One soft moi-moi in the afternoon, and another at night. Bliss! I get to chew! Was beginning to feel like a 2-month old baby with all those fluids!

Didn't bother to ask what to expect this time. Will just stick to the instructions... They say "Jump!" And I ask "How high?"

Didn't make it to the gym this morning thanks to a terrible downpour... maybe tomorrow!

See y'all!

STARVING!!!

My diet for the first 2 days consists of 4 major fluids...

CEREAL
It is not a real cereal. It's a powdery substance mixed with some (you guessed it!) herbs that is suppose to act as a meal replacement for Days 1 and 2. You mix it into the skimmed milk and sweeten with natural honey. They say it is filling, but I am yet to find that out! Ends this evening anyway!

TEA
This is not very strange since I had already taken to drinking green tea every evening even before I started this. I am expected to make tea with (guess what?) some herbs that I was given. They really just look like dried up pepper leaves. 3 mugs of this ensure that I spend a ridiculous amount of time in the loo! Oh, did I mention that the loo has become the most likely place to find me... at home and at work? Some accidents nearly happened when I did not very quickly obey the call of nature... if you can call this self0infliction 'nature'.

GRAPEFRUIT JUICE
A large 1 litre bottle a day. I actually crave it! It's the only fluid apart from water that does not have some herbs swimming on top of it.

WATER
Well, they say it's good for you!

I weigh in tomorrow morning. Will go there from the gym! I had better have lost the 4 kilos I was promised! Will let you know! Wish me luck!!

What fat people don't tell you about being fat

One of the things that made me realise that enough is really enough was the realisation that simple pleasure of life were fast becoming chores! This might come across as slightly funny to some, then again, some people may better understand why drastic actions were required.

HELP, I NEED TO BUCKLE MY SHOES!
Ever had to get help to buckle your shoes because you can't quite bend over as adeptly as you used to? I remember how many time I changed my mind about wearing a particular shoe because I had noone to help buckle the shoe (except, Chidi... and I would rather die than admit to him that I am so fat that I can't buckle my shoes! I have shoes that have gathered dust simply because I can't be bothered with the awkwardness!

MY NAVEL, IS IT STILL THERE?
Simple pleasures. If we didn't have mirrors my navel would be a myth! LOL!! I just hope that the flab will go so I can see my long lost "akpu otubo"!

THE SEAT-BELTS ON THE PLANE HAVE SHRUNK!
You will not understand what it means to get apprehensive before a flight, not because you are scared of flying, but because you hope the chairs will be large enough for your derriere! LOL!! Then the damn seat belt gets to its end and you are yet to be 'covered'! I took to extending the seatbelt to it's very end before I even try to fasten. Then I would look up and glare at the people who are staring at me (they always stare!) and look them over smugly when I have managed to hear the click sound!

IS THERE A CLEAVAGE DEODORANT?
Yes. It actually smells. I guess busty people have always known that. But for us who grew large to match our new dress sizes, it came as a rude shock.

HOW DO YOU LOSE WEIGHT ON YOUR HEAD?
I saw a picture of myself and my Mom and I wondered why my head was so big!? Before now I thought we could only add weight on our bodies and maybe the chin... But the entire head? How do you lose weight there? LOL!!! I mean is there a head exercise? Like, "swing/oscillate your head 75 times a minute to lose 200 head calories"! LWKMD.

I have more... Maybe later!

Beauty IS pain!!!

"Aunty Sorry oh!" She must have said that about 46 times but she was anything but sorry. She was doing her job. And her job and current task were well understood by her! INFLICT AS MUCH PAIN AS IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE! I mean, it must have been, right? How else do you explain the pain I feel from neck down! The soreness at the strangest part of my overweight mass of protoplasm!?!

FAT BREAKING MASSAGE
Trust me, this ain't no spa! They say you get used to the pain but that it is necessary to work on the fat from "outside in" while exercise takes care of it from "inside out". There must be some sense to it! But there ain't no sense to the pain, trust me! So this is me, fresh from my first return trip to the gym, excited to be "doing something" afterall about the darned weight! As soon as the massage started, I wondered how I paid good money for this level of pain. Then I started conjuring up every bowl of rice, finger of chips, slice of bread, bite of yam and so on that I had ever had! And I hated them!!! They were the reason why I was going through these! Not sure if that was the 'other' sense in administering these painful massages. but I knew I didn't like food very much right then!

DRINKING POTIONS
I know you will all turn your noses up at this but yes... I drank every last drop! Smelled foul. Looked foul! Tasted foul! Probably horrible for me in the long run (3 months time) but I am happy to cross that bridge when I get there. The first course came in a wooden brown bowl and consisted of herbs that looked like tea leaves and some other powdery stuff. I was m ade to drink every last drop... down to the very last herb! Yuck! Then there was some sweetened, pasty, gummy, black mass of even more herbs. These were all part of the starting pack and were followed up by a take-home pack of more herbs and more other stuff. Hmmm!

DROPPING THE KILOS
They promise that I will drop 4 kilos by the end of the 2nd day. I'll let you know if I do! And... no, I can't share my starting weight... but I promise to share every incremental weightloss figure! Did I here you ask who 'they' is? Not telling! Your guess is as good as mine... LOL

Love you guys!

I'm so excited!

HOLA!
Hi everyone. I have just started this blog as a diary of my 3-month journey to a whole new look! Yes!! That's what this is about. I intend to tell my all... bare my heart, share my fears, my passions, my successes, my desires, my failures (I hope there won't be many!).

BRUTAL HONESTY!!!
I also intend to be brutally honest about everything I say because I want to be terribly accountable to each and everyone of you. I have started this weight-loss journey unsuccessfully too many times to try to do it by myself again. There are loads of patterns that overweight people go through. There are secrets we share. There are major insecurities we have. I'll let you into them... no holds barred.

COLLECTIVE CONSCIENCE Y'ALL!!
So you are my (collective) conscience as I start through this journey. The objective is easy... to build up some self-discipline through denial and hopefully, to achieve the desired weight loss at end. Some of my methods will be pretty unusual, hence the need for some company! But we'll do this together and because you are with me... this will work! Right?

Welcome... and belt up!!!