I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY IS WATCHING ME

 You probably do not know how it feels to be the fattest person in the room.

Worse, you probably do not know what it is like to eat anything, to put anything in your mouth (in public) when you are the fattest person in the room! “They” judge you!

You know who “they” are, don’t you? Some call it Big Brother. Some call it the busybody company. Some call it your conscience. Some call it a “cloud of witnesses”. I don’t really have a name for them but I do know that “they” are everywhere! In your office. In your bedroom. In your school. In the airport. Everywhere! Have you ever had a situation where you couldn’t do something because “they” were watching?  I remember once when someone I know visited family friends. They offered them anara (garden eggs) and she took one and bit into it. She had chewed for a while before she looked at the uneaten part in her hands. A half-bodied, wriggling maggot looked back at her. It could only mean one thing. Yes, you guessed it. The other half was in her mouth! What do you think she did? Spit it out? How can? “They” were watching! My dear friend chewed, chewed, slowly, painfully, chewed, chewed and swallowed. “They” can be a very strong influence. Definitely a very strong consideration in our choices and actions.

The best meals these days are the ones eaten in secret, alone and undisturbed. Yes oh! You are invited to a dinner party (that you would rather not attend oh because you know how they always end up!). Then they serve you food. Or perhaps it is a buffet, even better. You are aware that “they” are watching so you carefully avoid all the white things, the rices, the potatoes, the breads, the yams… All the good stuff! You fill your plate with the tasteless things, just because they are green. You look at your plate and are satisfied that every rabbit will love your selection. You are really doing this for them… to make them happy. The “They”…

Then you sit down to eat and the burning starts. Eyes everywhere. The dh is glaring from across the room, like he expected you to leave home and drink water for 4 hours at a “dinner party”. A fight is brewing as you begin to rehearse all the responses to the questions and comments he is yet to make. In fact you have more than 2 responses for every imagined scenario.

“They” are also watching, judging. Soon some are whispering loudly.  Others are giving themselves knowing glances that say, “Did I not tell you that the girl just eats too much?” Then there is a cackle somewhere. You don’t need to look up to know that you are the butt of their jokes or comments.

But…

What if it is all in your mind?