FOOD, FOOD, FOOD... EVERYWHERE, EVERY TIME!!!!

Weddings. Funerals. Lunch Meetings. Bible Studies. Girls’ time-out. Special occasions. Valentines Day. Cruises. Birthdays. Cinemas Amusement Park Days. Anniversaries. Away strategy sessions. School visiting days. Air flights. Road trips.

No matter how you try to run from food… it catches up with you!

If you are black, and Nigerian, then you will agree with me that food indeed punctuates everything we do. I remember once when I worked as Head of Marketing & Communications in The British Council, and we had an event to plan. Yes, I remember now, it was the 50^th Anniversary Celebrations for the British Council in Nigeria… grand event, it was  to be. Then my Country Manager at the time, Jill looked through my budget and went, “We are going to feed them, then?”

The look of incredulity on my face was all the answer she required. In my thoughts, I broke into an indicting pidgin spiel, “Which kain woman be dis!? So if dem leave you na so you go collect people children at dinnertime make dem de clap hand for una queen then dem go drink water commot? If dem swear for you…” But as I opened my mouth to speak it was with a lot more civility, “Oh come on Jill, this is Nigeria. Moreso Lagos. Food is taken for granted here!”

And therein lies our problems.

You become labeled as unsociable when you avoid events that will lead you to eat especially the things you shouldn’t eat. Someone told me, “You can pack your own healthy stuff and take with you!” I tried it once. Went to the movies with my fruit pack; an apple, a pear and 2 plums. I have never felt as miserable as I felt that day. Rather than watch the movie, I watched everyone around me stuffing their mouths with that legendry, sweet, warm, crunchy popcorn that you can find ONLY at Silverbird Galleria. I stayed true to my plan on that day but it hasn’t ever worked since then. I just avoid the cinemas.

Another friend advised that she just tries to stay the “focus of attention”, with all the sweet gist, so that she is too busy yapping and gossiping to nibble at things.  Well, I’m not too much of a gister. I am apolitical, too few friends, too much of a workaholic and too much of a born-again Christian so my life is not that “interesting” so gist runs out pretty fast. Then the mouth gets bored… seeking a nibble or gulp or two.

I still insist that for some of us, successful weight loss can only be achieved in a camp somewhere. Everyday life is everyday temptation.

AM I A WICKED PERSON?

"Madam, she don fat well-well oh! E don nearly reach like you sef! I no know as she go fit go down again oh! I hear say im husband don warn am say e must thin again!"

There is a wicked part of a human being that takes a fiendish delight in seeing others fail. You don't plan it. You don't see it coming.  You don't want to do it. You deny it even... It is that part of you that you treat in the third person, "Stop it oh! It is not good to be like that oh!" Any Christian will be able to relate to that. That part of you that insists on doing things that you do not want it to. Apostle Paul addressed it eloquently in Romans (?). But I digress!

So, this was me, the "Failure of the Year", 3 years running! I was now hearing that one of the icons of weight-watching in Lagos had gotten into an overwhelming fight with the same thing she made money from, by making people "exercise discipline". She had told me during a consultative session once, "Uloma, you do everything else so well. You are disciplined about your career, your family and your faith... why not your health and weight!?" Rather than encourage me, that statement became a consolation to me. I felt, well if I am doing notably well in other things, then a one out of four failure is not terrible. Besides, I don't want people "hating on me!" as the girl who's got everything!

Hmmmph! The mind is a horrible thing.

So, I repent today of smiling under my breath when Madam Grace, my office cleaner came to share this little bit of gossip. I repent of the gladness in my heart that this didn't have to be a lonely journey after all. She was going to need a friend, a partner, a co-struggler in this old fight. I repent of feeling the tongue-stuck-out "I-told-you-so" wickedness that crowns the winner of an argument. (Even though there was really no argument. She was right. I was not disciplined about my weight). I repent of being happy when my other co-sojourners take that chocolate bar when I offer it. I repent of smiling happily when I reach for the biscuit on the shop aisle and see people just as fat or fatter than I am doing the same.

I repent of every wickedness...

God grant me... weight loss :)

I HAD TO SEE FOR MYSELF!!!

 "Friends, I've got friends!!"

Was that Shalamar, or Kool and the gang? I forget. But whoever it was, it always makes me jump up to "boogie" when oldies are played at parties. Friends, I've got friends!!! This picture is a new and favorite one. It shows my friends who cry, laugh and pray with me. My sitars!

I read on the social media last week about a chef that lost about 50kg because his friends started a hate campaign aimed at him. From what I surmised they all started bombarding him with e-mails, tweets and texts calling him derogatory "fat" names! He was so mad that he lost over 50kg. Friends are the real support that can get one to do or not do anything. I guess this chef had friends that knew what would work with him. He hates taunting...

I was incensed once when I was doing my power-walk past a few school children.They must have been an average age of 4 years old. I had gone past when the chant started, first like a whisper, then a deafening loud chant, "Orobo!!" (That's slang for "big size" anything). I didn't look back so it is possible that I was not the object of their wicked attack, what worked though was that I walked even faster just to disappear from their wicked sing-song. The taunt was painful, but it didn't change much!

But I digress.

 Friends, I've got friends!!!

 A "friend" once visited my house. She rushed in and when I came downstairs, she looked at me and said, "Kam si kwa!" (I for say [pidgin] or I thought so [English]). "What is it", I asked, to which she said, "I saw your new DP on BBM and I was scared that you had lost a lot of weight. I had to come and see!" "What do you mean, you were scared?" I asked. "Hmm, I can't have you get as slim or slimmer than me oh! I would have had to go into starvation mode!" We both laughed hard... mostly "ochi-eze" (didn't mean my laughter) from me. But I made a mental note of it. People are threatened by all sorts of things! Why would my being slim or fat steal sleep from someone who has her own life to live? Why would what "might be" cause anxiety by someone that has her own husband? 

Friends, I've got friends!!!

I think I am at that point when I want to REALLY break hearts and cause real agitations! Well, I am nearly there... Good motivation to drop a few dress sizes, don't you think?

WHAT IF GOD WILL HAVE IT SO?

So, I have completed the first month of this year without one single day of exercise to my name. No, I am not happy about it... and it was not my fault!!! I have a really bad case of tendonitis (sexy name for a horribly painful situation) right under my left heel, pulling to my ankle. That's how I started the year... after a brief cold stint in the coldest parts of the world as the year started. Excuses! Excuses!!?? Sounds like excuses to anyone who doesn't know me. I really do enjoy my power-walks and near-runs, I call them "occasional trots". :) But what I need to explain is that I am beginning to think that God will have me so... Fat. No, don't laugh. This is serious. Why do I think so? Ok, not only do I have tendonitis, I am also placed on a drug that I MIUST take on a full stomach, twice a day. I still remember the doctor stopping me on my way out and saying, "Mrs Umeano, I don't mean a couple of sandwiches, I mean a really good full meal. I don't want us treating ulcers soon! So, I can't walk. And I can't diet. I can't even watch my portions. Isn't this God's way of frustrating my intentions so I concentrate on more important things?