I guess that many people will be elated when they are acknowledged as "pretty". Most women for sure! They say that compliments always soften female "receivers". Like, suddenly they are no longer that mad at you. They begin to smile... Even begin to flirt with you. No wonder compliments are the ultimate toast line. "My God, is this how you look first thing in the morning? Most people I know need 2 hours before a mirror to get there!" That was one of the best compliments I ever received... Like say I never marry by dat time, I for follow the man waka!
When it is said to a plus-sized person however, it has a different meaning. It is judging you. When I left the training centre on Saturday a young participant walked by me and gushed, "You are so pretty!" I smiled. I smiled because I knew what she wasn't saying. I smiled because I had heard it so many times and in so many ways. That shocked acknowledgement that in spite of all those layers of fat, this fat person is still a looker! The statement sometimes comes with a sad smile that says, "How could you have let yourself go? You could have been so much prettier!" Then sometimes you realise that they say it out of real incredulous honesty, like, "Oh my God! You are STILL pretty (in spite of...) Their faces often betray them.
"But your face is still the same!" That's another kinder way of honestly addressing the overweightedness. A fellow plus-sized sojourner told me once, when justifying her decision to lose weight through surgery, that I could afford to still be upbeat and confident because, "Your face has stayed the same!" Another friend admitted that she and her friends were gossiping about me and they "realised" that I was fat because I have a face that I can STILL carry off confidently. (Can you imagine the discussions that go on about you when you are bust snoring somewhere and minding your business?!
My old friends from college were not as nice this weekend at our reunion. My friend Ekene, who prides herself with her bitchiness was honest. "Uloma, are you in there somewhere?" That was hilarious! Unfair, if you don't have a good sense of humour, but certainly original. Seyi warned me that "you no fine again!" But the refrain was, "Eh! Uloma figure 8, who would have thought you had all this fat in you?" Don't you just love real friends and honest communication? Not!
Flash back again to those who react to your pictures on Instagram and Facebook with, "Chaai, you are so photogenic!" My friend Ruky says that to me all the time. My sharp retort is always, "The camera de snap wetin im see, not so?" But I wince at what she is not saying. She's surprised, shocked even that I can still get away with second glances and admiring stares. Maybe even more than her, in spite of her slim, tight self. #StickingTongueOut
9 comments:
Lol! We endure cos we've learnt our happiness doesn't lie in their approval - or lack of it thereof!
Confidence, strong character and finesse is by far incomparable to physical outward "beauty"... but then again "You are beautiful" from the eyes of one beholder to another...!
Confidence, strong character and finesse is by far incomparable to physical outward "beauty"... but then again "You are beautiful" from the eyes of one beholder to another...!
My dear friend. . Outward look is not all that makes a person. Inward beauty is more important . What we feel about ourself is more important and that is the confidence level . As usual another excellent write up.
Let me play devil's advocate; are you sure all those things 'not said' are not in your head? Besides, who bloody cares what people think? Who has time to dwell on other peoples opinions? Remember my favourite poem Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou? It starts thus:
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies,
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them, they think I'm telling lies
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
You are a phenomenal woman whatever your dress size. Now believe that and stop sweating the small stuff!
It's a total package dearie when you grow up. And that is the true beauty.. both inside and outside...making your mark in any little way in this world and preparing for the next. Beauty has to be more than skin deep and you my girl is certainly on point ;)
Ebere please tell her oooo!!! Let her face forward and march on!!
I remember telling my dh once that a friend of mine is quite pretty (my defense when he wanted to start on her size). He simply answered in his forthright manner - ehnnn? And my come back was, you need to look at her face and go beyond the 'fat'. Happy to say she's lost a lot of weight recently.
Ko easy this journey but remain focused dear. 💓
Hmmm aunty , I have being very skinny all my life I had names like Igo Maggi,(meaning long neck like the Maggi bottle for those that know that long Maggi source bottle from back in the day) another name was skeleton no bottom, fry pan yansh the names were endless.i used to pray to God to make me fat.now after having children am fat with a big tummy lol I can tell you I am not skeleton no bottom anymore , I have ikebe lol , the most important thing I have learnt from being on both sides skinny , then ok size I even used to model, to being fat , is that it's all in our head, when we love ourself for us , then others will see beyond the skinny body or fat body. I don't care right now that am not the size the outsiders want me to be, I love the flesh I have, so comments like you have mentioned don't bother me .The days I feel myself that am getting to fat I know what to do , reduce my portions and work out , the main thing is am doing it for me to stay healthy and fit not for any friend or outsiders comments
Well well well@ are you in there somewhere... You know it's ever so boring when people think they have to be catty and rude and get away with it because it is accepted that is the way they are! Most people have twisted complexes and derive satisfaction when they believe they have something on you and can bring you down a notch or two... My response is... Only if you let them. Apologies but superficial appearance is not only shallow but downright tiresome. Having said all that, I've been there, done that.. Can't be bothered about comments and simple truth is I believe I am beautiful. Plus size is now a category, really really funny. A bit like people living with dementia or HIV, or whatever. Who says? Who has the right to say? Biko let us get on with the business of being awesome and living a life of impact to the glory of God...
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