TUMMY TUCK, KE? Tufiakwa!!!

What you need to do is get a tummy tuck.

You stick out like a sore thumb when you are on a weight-loss diet. You are not eating or drinking "popularly" so people get to notice and it usually becomes a conversation-starter, and finisher! Weight management is something that everyone has a theory about. An experience. A preferred style. A success story. A disbelief even! The list is endless but fact is that everyone has their say...

Flying into Abuja that day, I was on one of those "diets from hell" as has been the case for me for the past 25 years or so. Yes o! I remember dieting furiously during my wedding events, after I had Ugochukwu, in order to get into a new dress, in order to get into an old dress, in order to look great for a new job interview, in order to be perfect for that wedding, that birthday party, that holiday cruise... The list again is endless.

So this was me waving off the cabin crew at that trip, as they offered the usual hard, tasteless cupcakes, sealed in tough cellophane. Those cup cakes are an example of the things I know are the reason I am obese today. Stupid white flour-based pastries, doughs and cakes that just "feel good in the mouth". They are not well-made most times. They are drenched in fat, or butter. But they satisfy the "mindless" crave to have something interesting in the mouth. Typical example are what we have popularly adopted in most Nigerian gatherings named "small chops". Small chops are a killer! From the crunchy, deep fried (in saturated fat!!!) samosas and spring rolls, to the deep fried prawns in batter. Or is it the "mosa"? My favorite! It is a deep fried, doughy cake with a ripe plantain base. Awesome! But most people camp in the mother of all evils otherwise known as puff-puff. My take is that whoever discovered it ( I hear it was a delicacy, imported, and then improved upon, from Ghana) is wicked! Why would anyone combine 4 major killers, white flour, yeast, white sugar and deep frying. It is unfair. Tastes awesome. People just keep throwing the next hot ball of puff-puff in their mouths and soon lose count of wether they had eight, eighteen or eighty! Lol! Someone should consider hor d'ouvres officials a healthier option cos at the end of the day, the real objective is not taste or even satisfaction... It is just that thing that you chew, to accompany the drink you are having at that social occasion.

Anyway oh, I was on this nasty diet. Day 2 or so. You know that stage when you are really "shan't gree" about the diet because you managed to complete Day 1 successfully. So I was determined not to let a trip to Abuja spoil my impeccable one day record! Trips always do this to me. I fall out of sync with my exercise routine and my diets, usually due to the awkwardness of the timing in the city I'm visiting, or the unavailability of my diet requirements. Then when I get back to Lagos it becomes even more difficult to get back on the formula!

So I pop out my bananas and grapes from my handbag and begin to chew! Probably sadly! Don't get me wrong oh! I love my fruits and vegetables. Very very much! But my mind goes into "toxic" shock when it knows that ALL it will be getting, for ANY period of time is just fruits and vegetables. This shock soon poisons the rest of the mind to reject this punishment! The struggle usually ends up in a riotous, noisy pity party where the song most danced to starts like this, "Why me?" That's why I know I must have been looking pretty sad that afternoon. Not surprising therefore that my dear "neighbor" decided to opine her views.

"Have you tried a tummy tuck?" I didn't even know her name! I had no idea why she thought she could have such an intimate discussion with a total stranger. A tummy tuck! What was that, even? "Sorry?" That was all I could manage so I could buy time to address this obviously brave woman. She laughed, " My name is Asabe. I used to be like you. ( have you noticed that EVERYONE used to be like you?) Maybe even fatter! I tried everything and it was always the same. I will start, diet, exercise then stop and regain all I lost and more." She was beginning to strike a nerve, a raw one at that. Her smile was that knowing one that only co-sojourners have, "My first tummy tuck opened my eyes to how easy this could be. (she had done 3!!!) and I dropped so much weight that I knew I had to go back. I did a second stomach one 2 years apart from each other then went back after 2 years to do my thighs and arms."

There are some people that just have this commandeering attitude. When they speak, all you can do is listen! You dare not attempt to put in a word! She was that type. And God knows I had no words to infuse into the bizarre conversation. We're we talking about going under the knife here? Or am I mistaken about what tummy tucks are? How was it a casual topic discussed among strangers during a 45 min flight? But she got to me oh! Suddenly I started wondering if it wasn't a more effective use of $8,000 than some of the other options that one has considered.

Just before we landed, I thanked her profusely for opening my eyes to this quick-fix that also happened to claim Stella Obasanjo's life. This major surgery that entails having a bikini line scar for the rest of your life. This surgery that takes something away but doesn't guarantee that it will not from back. I mean, she herself had gone through 3 in 6 years like it is just some special makeup done for an occasion! Then I prayed and asked God to help me forget every tempting word I heard. I had one final prayer that out paid to the effects of the encounter...

GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!!!

HOW E CONCERN YOU?

I think I will have to start attending my Anger Management class.

What is it about the state of obesity that makes people,  “thinner” people think that they have the right to comment?  To tell you how to lose weight. To chastise you for eating too much, for eating the wrong thing, or at the wrong time? Who told them that they can even acknowledge that we are overweight?!

 

Some people are lucky that I don’t carry ammunition!

The fact that you are thin may not be because you are working harder than I am! I have a friend (one of the few that never judge me, bless her!) who eats pounded yam in her bed at 9.00 pm every night. She is a banker and comes home late, has her bath settles in bed she rings for her dinner. “I like pounded yam. It is my only real meal in the day, after all those rice and sausage rolls things”.

Pounded yam! Pounded yam? I dare not say it loud because just thinking it can make me add another 2,000 calories. And she has it in bed… at night… after the "rice and sausage roll things!” Life ain’t fair. Did I mention that ‘Dobis’ is a perfect size 10? She’s also a mother of 4 adults. First child is about 30! Yup, life ain’t fair!

So why compare myself with her? Or with anyone for that matter? Or bringing it back to my real topic… why should I let anyone compare me with others, or even worse say it to my face? How dare they?

In the village earlier this year some old uncle of my husband’s said to me in Igbo. “Nne, ibu erikezi. I ga na-awu jump. Na-agba oso… odiro nma!” (My dear lady, this fat is plenty o! You need to be jumping up and down, and running/jogging! This fat is not good!) The nerve! To which I answered, “Taa, mechie gi onu! Onye gwazi go? Emekatana gwam udi okwu aa ozo! Aru odikwa gi!??” All because I did not have a gun!

A distant acquaintance, a man, once said from across the room to me at a social gathering, “Uloms, good to see you o! I see you are doing something about the weight!” To which I responded, “How is your wife doing?” I knew they had problems and the wife had just run off to Canada with his children and some other messy detail about child support, alimony, ownership of the house in Toronto etc. My simple question/response may well have been a shot from an AK47 considering how silent the room fell.

Yes I am touchy. Yes “we” are touchy… so make una respect una sef!!!

Oh yeah the translation of what I told the uncle? “Taa, mechie gi onu! Onye gwazi gi. Emekatana gwam udi okwu aa ozo! Aru odikwa gi!??” (Find out for yourself jare, I don taya…)

ARISE, KILL AND EAT

The Spirit makes it clear that as time goes on, some are going to give up on the faith and chase after demonic illusions put forth by professional liars. These liars have lied so well and for so long that they’ve lost their capacity for truth. They will tell you not to get married. They’ll tell you not to eat this or that food—perfectly good food God created to be eaten heartily and with thanksgiving by believers who know better! Everything God created is good, and to be received with thanks. Nothing is to be sneered at and thrown out. God’s Word and our prayers make every item in creation holy.

1 Timothy 4:1-5 The Message

The Spirit makes it clear that as time goes on, some are going to give up on the faith and chase after demonic illusions put forth by professional liars. These liars have lied so well and for so...

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