SHE ASKED ME WHY?

The entire blog, for me, is about answering the questions, “why?” and “why not?” Why can’t you stay committed to the plan? Why aren’t you losing weight like others? Why are you still not staying on the plan? Why is the plan not working for you? Why are you not planning your meals? Then the “why nots and other why can’ts…” Why can’t you see that all you need is commitment and the weight drops off? Why don’t you try to stay committed FOR LONGER? Why can’t you do like others? 

Number 1.

The “I can’t mentality”.

Not many understand it. It is that mentality that haunts your thoughts and whispers frequently to you that you can never be slim. It starts with simple thoughts like, “See now, the trouser still can’t fit even after everyone says you look slimmer. To, “Hitting that goal is impossible, didn’t you try it in all the other weight-loss attempts last year, the year before? The year before? The year before? The year before? …to infinity!?”

And other facts like that reflection on “THE MIRROR”. This might be funny to some but, it took a long time for me to stop seeing Agbani Darego staring back at me. I was piling up the weight but my mind reconstructed my vision and I saw what I wanted to see. Let me explain further… I do not remember what I looked like from Weight X to Weight X plus 40kg. I just woke up one beautiful morning to the startling reality that I am obese… morbidly so! Now, it didn’t take overnight to pile up the weight so it won’t take overnight to take it off, but the inbetween sucks! You try and try and the (new) image in the mirror is still as fat, still as ugly and still as flabby.

Number 2.

“When I am good, I am very, very good

And when I am bad I am horrid”

I unfortunately am one of those who work on the principle that “He that is down needs fear no fall”. I am like the type that finds friendship with the pigs and the swine when I fall into the mud. I am not good at getting up. Even worse at pulling others up because I am very responsible to my “bad example”. It restricts me. I am ashamed of who it makes me look like. An unworthy so and so that cannot even stay true to a seeming, driving passion.

I think it is the (wrong) mentality that I am deprived. The fact that I can have this and not that. Or that I can have a “little” of this and “none” of that just challenges me negatively when I fall. And I fall regularly. Now, falling is not the problem,  it is getting up that is oh-so-difficult. I enjoy having fallen so one chocolate bar turns to 4. The little piece of fried chicken becomes 3 and worse, I go back for the skin… Why? Because I am horrid! Sometimes this leads to a guilt party and lasts days… Allowing me every opportunity to pile everything back on.

Number 3.

“Competition has and adverse, or is it a reverse effect on me”

The more people compete and score ahead of me, the more I am satisfied to take the back bench. I am there already, not so? No pressure anymore. Ndi na-agba first gbaba first, si rapum ebaa”. So belonging to groups and movements and challenges only just make me worse. So why do I stay in some groups? More because I want to be with the real people. The fellow back-benchers who are the real strugglers and stragglers. Who make me feel less unworthy and more normal. I stay so that we can celebrate our little successes without judgment.

We are the real champions… We don't quit!

IF I WAS THIN!

So I woke up later to realise that it was a dream and that I am still that slim “Agbani” trapped in a fat body!

When you kneel down to pray, count your blessings, name them one by one, and make sure number 3 or 4 (top 5 sha) is “Thank God that I can dream when I sleep”. That is the alternate world. The world that defies every form of reality, gravity, weight and size.  In my dreams I am a super-model. I am a young super-model. Heck, I am a ravishing beauty that turns heads when I sway down the street singing melodies in my head as I step, “I’m every woman, it’s all in me…!” SWING SWING. My favorite song that gives me the best bounce when I catwalk is the Classic Queen Latifah rap… “DESIRE, I know you want me. You’re fine! Thank You… But I’m not the type of girl you think I am, I don’t jump into the arms of every man…!” STEP STEP - SWAY HIPS  - SWAY HIPS. Wink. Flirts. Smile.  Wake up, Loms!!!!!

Anyway, thank God for dreams. And God save us from some of these dreams...

A major deterrent to losing weight is the fear of what I will become. A ga na ejim eji! (Translation: Somebody stop me!) I have always wondered why people don’t wear short suits to work. Come on! Backless. Strapless. Kneeless… Many “lesses”!!!  Would I be able to resist the temptation to dress more provocatively. Be more daring in my hair-cuts and platform heights? Would “fitted” dresses take a new Marilyn Monroe meaning?

Come. Wait o!

Is it only bad-bad things I want to do when I am slim? You see naah! It brings to mind the things that happen when people get rich, innit? They never admit it but it is the bad-bad things that they have been coveting and they jump into them without looking back! Fast(er) cars that will ultimately kill them. Richer food that will send them to, or back to WeightWatchers in an instant. Private Jets that will drain their pockets at the sheer stupidity of having ownership of something you cannot park in your driveway. Champagne-drinking which slowly but surely poisons them to death. New, “fecham” friends that do not know you or what you stand for and care even less. They are your typical “good-time” friends and will manifest when you need them most. (Note that “manifest” here is not a good word) So why do you want to be rich?

If I was thin…

Ok, let’s get there first, abi!!?